Here I am once again trying to find the resolve to lose weight. I’ve posted on this many times before, but right now I’m feeling very low, maybe lower than I’ve ever felt before about it. I have been trying to lose weight almost my whole life. The other week I texted my mom and asked her “What happened to me when I started gaining weight? I wasn’t always chubby. I remember being “normal”. Now it seems like something that will never happen for me.” I don’t remember the exact age but it was somewhere in between 2nd-4th grade. People said “its just baby fat, when puberty hits you’ll slim down.” Needless to say that didn’t happen. It must’ve been 4th grade, because that’s when we moved and I distinctly remember seeing one of my old neighbors (a grown man, not another kid) and when I got out of the car he said “dang, what happened to you girl”, in response to my weight gain. I remember writing in my diary “if I’m not this weight, by this time, I’m going to become a bulimic.” I’ve thought that as an adult too, but I’ve never been able to go through with it. I guess that means I’m not too bad off.
I see so many friends having success with their health and fitness journeys, some vegan, some not. I just think “what’s the missing link for me?” It can’t be just because I’m a working mother, because there are those doing it too. A couple months ago someone from one of the many health and fitness groups I’ve joined on facebook reached out to me and asked if I’d be interested in having her as a trainer. I said, “I’m already working with someone and I’m not sure what you can do for me other than slap food out of my hand”. We messaged back and forth, because I just didn’t want to shut her down, until I was comfortable just not replying again. A little while later she made a post saying there’s no excuse for people not to be within a healthy BMI. She commented that she could weigh 140 something pounds and still not be overweight…blah, blah, blah. Here I am somewhere over 200, again, and haven’t been 140 something pounds since middle school. So yeah, that made me feel great, and certainly regreatful that I did not seek her services. That was sarcasm. I’d have to lose over 60 pounds to not be overweight. Before I had my son I sat right on the edge of overweight and obese and fluncuated between 170-185. I had gotten back to 180 within 2 years of having Xavier, but then the weight started to creep back. I’ve seen friends literally losing multiple hundreds of pounds, and I haven’t been able to keep 10 off for the past 2 years. Every day, every hour, probably every minute, I’m thinking about losing weight. I am just thankful I don’t have a husband that gets on me about it, I swear the little bit of self confidence that I have would just wither away into dust. He helps me and encourages me the best he can, but it all comes down to me.
I had the will power a couple times in my adult life. The first time I lost a significant amount of weight was in college. I wanted to be a physical therapist, but the death of my cousin led me down the path of teaching Health and Physical Education. I was a part of a “Biggest Loser” challenge on campus, and I did well. The weight stayed off for a while, but I got back to where I started, eventually. The second time was, as I said before, after I had my son. Even after I quit breastfeeding, I continued to stick to my healthy eating and exercise and the weight kept falling off. I lost over 50 pounds! Then for some reason I stopped, and was never able to consistantly get back into it since then. Everyday I am in front of students telling them why they should be healthy I feel like they are laughing at me. Someone in my family literally died as a direct cause of morbid obesity, even still I have trouble preventing the same outcome for myself.
I’m in a fitness group that does challenges from time to time, I’ve never been able to even stick with consistant clean eating and working out for the 1, 2, or 4 week challenges. Today the trainer asked us to make a goal and stick to it. I made the goal, but I’m really not sure what has to happen to make me stick to it, and see success again; hopefully once and for all.